being sick shouldn't feel this good

Updated: Feb 29, 2020

trigger warning: eating disorders, binging and purging, physical and mental abuse

I began to hate my body

when others told me I should

It was when my grandma would

pinch my rolls

when I was eight years old

and told me to stop eating

It was when a man abused my body

treated me like a toy

It was when my father drank 'til dawn

but still had the audacity to call me fat

It was when my mother

forced me to play soccer

because she wanted me to drop the weight

It was when middle school boys

told me I looked like a pig

It was then, in those moments

when I began to hate my body

So I pushed this body to the limit

Days filled with flavored water

and one single apple slice

Then others filled with calories so high

hat despite being filled with food

I felt empty

I take laxatives like they are my daily vitamins

I purge and binge and binge and purge

I run until my legs begin to wobble

I hate and love food

Mostly hate

More than anything, however, I hate this illness

This illness holds me hostage within myself

I hate this illness because I know I am sick

I know I am sick, yet this illness makes me feel good

And being sick shouldn’t feel this good

this brave writer has asked to remain anoynmous

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