Life doesn't stop moving, so neither will we
Wow… its been a long time since I’ve read my own words…
I felt cheated. Cheated of my youth, my trust, my happiness… I felt like life had gotten one over on me. I was the naïve one, I believed, hoped, and prayed everyday. I was the patient one, believing that he didn’t mean to crash my car when he was drunk. I was the kind one for not reporting it. I didn’t envy when he would just sit there and not defend me in front of his family after all he put me through. I didn’t boast when I finally got enough for the house’s down payment. I wasn’t proud, never shoved it in his face that I was the one that saved our asses every time. I wasn’t rude, not once, to his family or friends, while they all gave me looks, ignored me, talked about me. I was never self-seeking, I put my career and school on hold to help him achieve HIS dream. I wasn’t angered when he stayed out late, leaving me to stay with our newborn. I never kept any records of wrong, until I had enough. I most definitely rejoiced in the truth when I found out you were just using me to get ahead. You didn’t need me, you just needed what I had to offer. I protected you from my family, trusted your every word, hoped we would make it out alive; I never gave up and persevered through it all. I never failed you, until I did, but only by setting myself free and clawing my way out.
When I think about it now, anger, relief, and something in between still swims around in my heart. He lives like I never existed. Like he’s never hurts anyone. Like he didn’t take the greatest I had to offer and devoured my dreams. Healing is a process and I won’t lie to you. The pain is still there. I can’t kiss anyone the same; I have trouble believing what anyone has to say, go anywhere without feeling incomplete. I have to figure out who I am, who I was on my way to being before he rudely interrupted my growth. I won’t be side-tracked again. I know the signs; I’m trying to move on. But when I think about him standing on his pedestal and I see how others think he’s innocent, my heart aches. No one sees my pain. No doctor’s report could convince the judge. My wild “exaggerations” denied me protection when I needed it most, simply because his mother holds a badge. I felt myself screaming out to anyone who would listen, but even in the deepest darkest places, there was no connection. No one to listen. I was completely alone with my newborn son in a huge city hundreds of miles away from any friends or family. So, I conserved my strength and built my own way out of where I was. I’m still building my empire and finding women like me along the way to whom I want to say, “I hear you, how can I help you see you for the beautiful light that you are, and where are we going next?” Because life doesn’t stop moving, so neither will we.
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