My Open-ended gratitude for my Mother

You told me You failed me, You abandoned me. I can’t understand where these thoughts, beliefs, nightmares, came from, but the devil himself is ashamed at how immeasurably false they are. You've taught me how to be the best me. Someone who tries to do what you do, love people for who they are. I’m not perfect, and I make a lot of mistakes (mostly because I don’t listen to you), but being half of the woman, mother, warrior, angel, shelter, teacher, provider, cheerleader, hype-r up-per, comforter, you are is what I would consider a successful life. You’re the only person I could ever call mother you’re more than I could ever dream of, no one else can even come close. I don’t have the words to thank you, but I just want you to know that I see everything, even the things you can’t even remember. So here’s my apology, for not saying this sooner. Thank you for all the times you are a safety net when I take a leap I can’t make. Friend of the Fallen Down Thank you for loving me through the times I said that you’d never/couldn’t understand. Then held me while I cried when going against your wisdom broke my heart. Goddess of the Grief Relief Thank you for always giving me your ear and heart and mind, no matter the time and distance between us. Hero of the Hold On Thank you for showing me what it means to show up, give your all, through everything. Angel of the Always Ready Thank you for showing me how to persevere through anything, and get stronger from it. Warrior of the Wide Open Thank you for showing me how to love, unconditionally, no matter the cost. Unleasher of the Unconstrained Thank you for letting me be your firsts. Your first joy when I learned how to read so I would read all the signs and then say their tagline from memory. Your first heartbreaks when I would tell you that you couldn’t understand what I was going through. Or every time I asked where daddy was. Your first pride when I almost always brought home straight A report cards. Your first worry about not being good enough every time I cried as a newborn and you didn’t know what I wanted so you just fed me. Your first helplessness when I was convinced that I would be better off in California, with other people, and then again when it didn’t turn out good for me, and everything fell apart. Your first completely self-sacrificing love. Your first unconditional love. Your first time raising a child. You showed me unafraid, unencumbered yes. You showed me steadfast, grounded no. You taught me I am the greatest … ever. You taught me I am no better than anyone else. You taught me I am no worse than anyone. You told me I am your son but you taught me to never look at the sun so I never looked myself in the mirror. So I never learned how to truly love myself. So I never truly loved anyone. Until I took that one moment to be brave, let you into the deepest part of my soul, the one that you created, that you already knew, that you already loved and accepted unconditionally. Then you took that moment to be brave, as you replied, I will always put you first. I love and accept you no matter what.

written by Freya | @freyathepoet

Freya and Lotus photographed by Mckenna Hudson in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Freya | @freyathepoet

Lotus | @_lotusmoon_ McKenna Hudson | @mckennahphoto

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