Why I Stayed

Autumn Gilstrap photographed by Courtney Armstrong.

Liars sing sweet little lies, 

You take away my hope & my pride

With every push you pull away

I lay and wonder why I stayed

But I know now why it was because I had waited long and hard to find my love 

I thought it was you my shining armor

But your shine fades away and that armor does not protect me

Your words don’t protect me, your actions prove you untrue

So many times I allowed you in because it was me who wished to get inside of you

To enter your mind and understand your heart 

But I’ve found there’s nothing but an ice box where I looked to once 

Psychology says you aren’t to be trusted but my mind is restless without knowing you are safe, knowing you’re taken care of, knowing you’re okay 

But did it ever occur that I’m not okay?

And I haven’t been okay for too long now, I dug so deep into you I lost myself for a while 

My body is yearning, my heart is calling out to you the sweet murderer. How you slit me open and drained me to take out what you needed then dipped

I’ve seen you’ve found new people to fill with dreams and ideas and lost hopes, or should I call them victims if they end up anything like me

See, I am not weak and when I chose to love you I did it endlessly and fearlessly not out of desperation not out of pity or hopes you’d repay me (in my dreams) 

But I loved and still love because it is what I have to give, I do not manipulate, I cannot abuse but if there’s one thing I can do it is seduce

The way you tarnished my ego and slid my heart through the mud, you’d think I’d want you dead now but I don’t because I hope and pray for you still

I’m letting go of the hate, the anger, jealousy and bitterness that keeps me up wide awake

I’m conquering pain, hurt from inside is the worst 

But it’s you who, I know, needs the loving the most

-Written by LB.

Autumn Gilstrap photographed by Courtney Armstrong.

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