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yellow light

grief wraps around me like a

ten thousand pound weighted blanket

it feels good to remember

it hurts to remember

I wonder how you would be now

almost 9 years later


sometimes I feel guilty when I think of you

and realize it’s been a while since I have

every time I go through a yellow light

I make a kissy face and think of you

your smile and your laughter

echoes like a scream in my brain

but I can’t hear it anymore


i’m eating one of your favorite things

crispy bacon

it kind of makes me sad that there’s enough

for everyone to have as much as they want

because you’re not here to eat all of it anymore

I miss you

I love you

I know you are proud of who I am


you are with me everywhere I go

like a breath of strength

I can mindfully call it back to myself

it slips away sometimes


like when I first began to write this

but at least I can write about you

it’s been years since I have

your existence permeates

every decision I make

subconsciously and consciously

without you who would I be

we never got to really talk

we never had a fluid conversation

only physical and emotional cues communicated through the eyes

playing, laughing, snuggling

you were autistic but you understood

everything

you saw everything

you felt it all


I will never let us down

I protected us for your entire life

my baby brother

fourteen short years

I did the best I could

we didn’t deserve where we were

what happened to us

but we always had each other

and now you watch over me

waiting patiently for me

cheering me on

written by Sarah Maria | @fuckthatnoise





Sarina Edwards photographed by McKenna Hudson.

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